Sunday, November 22, 2009

And I'll Dance with You in Vienna

The morning glittered. Below at the square a solitary man was sweeping the red-yellow leaves with a long-handled broom, its bristles going crip-crip-crip on the flagstones as they raised a small cloud of dust at his feet. In the houses round the square children and menfolk were awakening and ambling downstairs for the breakfast their women had been preparing for the last half-hour; soon they would be wiped and dressed and released in the streets like a fresh outbreak of plague into the sharp autumn air. Oh humanity, how you never tired of yourself!

The Black Death was sucking the marrow out of this city. The sweet, squalid stench of death crept in like spices through its narrow streets, its markets bustling with silk and relics and oriental curiosities, the thick baroque walls of its buildings ceaselessly splendid, ceaselessly crumbling. It is an ignominious end for a city that has for centuries held the obsession of many a heart gallant, pure, ambitious or merely grandiosely delusional: men who commanded the fates of their times. Glorious Vienna! Desire and disease of the heart! Last night when he had set fire to that decrepit hospital it was less with the immediate need to escape his past – oh, a past he would never escape, and had he not always known? – than with the intention to give you a final, glorious farewell in the blazes, noble Vienna!

But the ancient city had rejected his gift, had been too damp to go up like the greatest fireworks display in the history of mankind. The fire had entirely razed down the hospital building, snuffing out every one of its inmates, but had hardly spread beyond five or six houses on either side. Even the street itself lay utterly unannihilated. (It shamed him to compare this skirmish to Pompeii; to speak nothing of the overused clichés of Sodom and Gomorrah, though he had not been present at either occasion. But even London, that great, vulgar cesspit, had shined brighter against the night barely a decade ago.) Men and women had scurried out in their underclothes and created a great hue and cry while the hospital burnt; but he knows, knows only too soon they would get over this puny accident. No use shedding precious tears over those who were fated to burn at the pits sooner or later; no one ever survived the Black Death. Of greater regret was the loss of the doctors – so few of them to go around in these accursed times – and especially the mysterious foreign healer whose fame had begun to spread through the fetid disease chambers, they said he could wring a man back from the bony clutches of the Reaper himself. But it did not bode well to trust these travelling foreigners too implicitly, who knew what devil they had sold their souls to, perhaps it was good that he had not been sighted since the breakout of the fire. Better for him to have been one of the corpses in the interiors of the building, mangled into each other beyond recognition, than to have miraculously escaped. The people could lament for him freely then.

Legs solemnly crossed, he sat on one of the rooftops surrounding the square at the other end of the city. He was a fifteen-year-old boy in his shirtsleeves and breeches, with a mop of chestnut hair and a button nose. Behind him, in the backyard of the house, a maple tree gently dispersed flaming leaves with every touch of breeze. A hint of ice in this breeze, ice from the caves and fjords of the north, his homelands; this breeze had brought with it his father; this breeze, then, his parting knell from this city. Fare thee well, charming, ungrateful Vienna, so decayed, so resplendent in the grandeur of your fall! A few minutes more in communion with this monstrosity and then he would climb down from this rooftop, find his way to the marketplace and buy himself a loaf of bread and blue-veined cheese to break the night’s long fast.

Not yet, but soon, he would require a new name.

---

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Medusa Medusa Medusa

I'm trying to lure the darkness
of your soul with my
own. What else is there
to give? Everything

I touch turns to dust, my people
to bubble and smoke, my
memories nothing but
ceaseless words and
skin. I forget
my lies, I do not
remember my craft,


The morning finds me bereft of dreams.
I am stone.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

unfinished poetry.

i started writing this poem in april and then moved on to other things. i don't think i'll be able to return to it any more, so for whatever it's worth, here:

---

Of all that hold me accused, this
I know: my youth is spent 
on strangers. I have flung my
heart at tramps and travelling soldiers,
wayward boys under lamplights, greying
men at railstations with their
untold lives of embers and sweetness 
and sorrow.

---


Sunday, November 02, 2008

Burying Love

I have sat up with the dead
all night, inhaling incense all
night, an attempted illusion
of flowers.

You do not speak ill of the dead, perhaps
out of reverence, or guilt, or
shame, for how important
are the wounds that you hide
compared to what lies before you,
transcendental.
You do not question
the act of passing, or allude to
its resemblance to escape.

And you pick only
the white flowers, carefully
averting your eyes from the red,
for the dead must be
buried in peace, left
without a stain of mortality
at all.

And you hope, maybe then, the dead
will leave you alone.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Words not intended to be poetry

I don't know why I'm writing this down.

I made these stars and put
them in your eyes so that they
sparkle when they gaze at me and I
can feel a little like a goddess.

This is a bit like confession, and
it's stupid because I can't
rhyme or reason or create
coherence for all to see all I
do is shuffle these pictures in my mind - a
dark brown foot in a neon-lit room perhaps
or the curve of a smile.

If I asked you to yield all your secrets
what would you show me? Would you
show me the rawness of sinew the bleak-
ness of thoughts would you shatter
away all walls and suck me in so deep so
deep that all that remains of me is a
tint in your blood a tune
in your head that you cannot
hum cannot forget?

This is a bit like confession and it's
meaningless really like when you drop to
your knees in the rain hands clasped in fervent
prayer although you never knew a god
or scripture, you make up the words as if
words were your only escape, a hopeless
poet without a purpose, a child
with nowhere to go.

And the abyss gazes into you then and you
become a little like the abyss and then
a little more and what's
wrong in that is it that you cannot
break into flowers anymore?

This is the bit like confession and
it's absurd because I look for
songs in crashing silence because this
flesh requires no words no music no rhythm
in iridiscence
in bursting in flames like insane super-
novas they
need not create
art.

And love is just a four-letter word and
so is fuck and so is fool how far
did you believe in those stories they
told you as a kid what
is it that makes you sleep now?

And so, you know, this
is a bit like confession but it's
made to make no sense to you
or you or anyone of you, I
don't know why I'm writing
this down
at all.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Littleboypoem

What poetry do I write for you? How well
do you elude rhyme - too silly, too
trivial too clumsy to gather
in words. Poetry for you must be
poetry for winter afternoons, paper
cups of watery coffee and
half-burnt cigarette
aftertaste in your mouth. Poetry for
you, as you shake your hair
loose in the evenings, your
eyes like chasing fire-
flies in the dark. You, in pictures
with laughing strangers, caught
in the corner of the frame - the little
mad boy. You, quietly
sneaking into dreams.

Poetry for you must be played on guitars
at night on a terrace, over conver-
sations on sparkly blue
fish in the sky. Poetry for you
will stop in mid-line
and laugh at itself
for pointlessness.

Poetry
for you will never suffice,
like the awkward gap between
laughters, when words are
too wrong. Poetry for you, like
so many things to be said
and so few excuses to start. Poetry
for too little time before we
forget, poetry for you
must be silence.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Your Ex-Lover is Dead (draft)

It started with a rrrrring.
This dawn is like ice and water-
colour pink outside my window, my
walls still dark and this morning
started with a ring.
They didn't need
to tell me but they called, they are
thoughtful that way.

Your ex-lover is dead.

Do you remember, was it another
birth when you bunked maths
tuition to watch him play at a fest his
friends so much older the little park by your
school where he touched his tongue
to your wrist that icecream
guy in the corner you
thought was Father
Christmas? Do you still hide
your blush when a passing
classmate mentions his name oh
when did you grow up
so much?

They didn't need to tell you but they
called. Your ex-lover is dead.


In a fit of summernight passion I had
given you all my childhood
dreams all my empty hours in
return of your
smile your silly schoolboy smile the pool
of sweat glistening in the hollow
of your throat. I was a child,
thoughtless and now
I cannot rest, these afternoons
make me shudder like a broken
conchshell I cannot hear my
footsteps anymore I have
bartered them for glitter glitter
glitter faded so long ago.

They didn't need to tell me that my ex-
lover is dead.


If I didn't exist, would you have
dreamed me?
I had dreamed you, I
built you up like a scrapbook with
memories, crumpled cigarette paper and
markerpen rainbows, built you up
till you were unreal, like dream, built
you up till my grubby fingers
could not touch you. So much star-
dust one could go blind! But now
you live in other people's dreams, a
stranger, or are they your
own? Dreams I do not recog-
nize, fingers that have sought salvation
in the voluptous perfume of many
other skins, washing over my sixteen-
year-old chewing gum
aftertaste since. As have I, as I
cannot imagine the timbre
of your voice on my phone anymore, there's
nothing left to owe or return, we are
strangers.

They didn't need to tell me, I knew
my ex-lover was dead.


And who let you in here this
morning leaning against the dark of the wall
your arrogant eyes undoing my drowsy
languor, accusing
accusing of what, what
right do you have to
demand? I turn my eyes away and there's
the smell of blood in my
room, your merciless grin hangs
in my air and there are
tears, scorching, tears I
refuse to cry. Who let you here
in my head, you, half-wasted
teenage narcissus, who
let you become the demon I cannot forget?

They didn't need to tell me but
they called. They are
thoughtful
that way.